Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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