so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
