No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
