I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Floor bacon is actually really good
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
