I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
