were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize