I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
