I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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