I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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