I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
