Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
