So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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