just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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