This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Randomize
