the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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