So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
