Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
