Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
