i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
