love makes seman taste better
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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