when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
