Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
