dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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