So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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