Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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