Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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