We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
