weddingsv make me drug and hornr
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
