worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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