I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
