who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
