I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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