She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
