i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
