i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
