he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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