Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
