I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
