Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize