im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
