I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Randomize
