So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
