Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Randomize
