I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
