Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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