Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize