She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
