waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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