my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
