Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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