I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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