he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
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