Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize