Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
