my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
where am i from again
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
We are all done wearing pants today
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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