I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
