I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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