He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize