The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
