While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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