the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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