I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
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