do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
