"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
smell my finger.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
