TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Randomize
