his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize