I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
