if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize