so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
You're a waste of cheezeits
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
