when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
