then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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