Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
This house was built for laser tag.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Randomize