My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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