Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
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