I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
